Going home…

2 Jan

So, going home from the hospital wasn’t initially as hard as I thought it would be.
I anticipated that I’d be an emotional wreck, but somehow I kept it together.
I think part of it was because I stayed all the way to her 1 am feeding and by that point I was literally starting to sleep sitting up with my eyes open and getting these little body tremors… I seriously needed some sleep.
But, go figure, we didn’t go straight home. Karl has been really stressing about having a nice clean car seat for Jobee that has the right infant head supports and it certified for babies under 5lbs. Apparently it’s really been weighing on him the whole time – so we ended up at Meijer at nearly 2:30 in the morning, buying a car seat for our little Chickadee.  (My grandma called me that when I was a little girl, and I find myself calling Jobee that too.)
Once we got home and it was time to go to sleep, it was a little bit hard. I kept imagining what it SHOULD have been like in my mind. How the baby should have been next to me, and I should be nursing and not pumping, and how she was getting a feeding and comfort from some other nurse while I laid there in bed. Not fun things to think about.
But, it didn’t last long, because I was OUT before I even knew it.

Unfortunately I am the type of person that wakes up for good once I wake up – and one of the pediatricians from her office called this morning pretty early.
I ended up with around 4-6 hours of sleep, but that’s twice as much as I got the night before! I suppose I shouldn’t even try to start getting more than a few hours of sleep anytime soon, because once Jobee is home, I’ll be up all night anyway. But I think my body was going to seriously start rebelling if I didn’t get caught up a little. I’ll have to learn the art of the Quick-Nap again.

Jobee’s pediatrician said that she had been taking about 1/2 to 2/3rds of all her feedings by nipple on average and that last night she had one really great feed where she took the whole thing by bottle!
I was so stinkin’ proud of her! Her bili levels went down just a little bit, but so did her weight. But, it was such a little amount that nothing changed. She’s still under the lights today and the pediatrician didn’t increase her intake yet.

When we got there this evening, her nurse had said that she was taking about 2/3rds of her feedings and I was optimistic that she would nurse well. But, she didn’t.
It seemed as if she did a good job nursing, and I really would have thought that she got a lot more than she did, but she only took 4mls – which is like nothing.
She decided to perk up just slightly after she was done nursing and Karl offered her a little bit of a bottle and she ended up taking a pretty decent amount of it that way.
I honestly don’t care how she gets the food in her belly, as long as it’s not through her nose.

I had hoped that she would nurse really well tonight and wow us and her Doctor – but she did worse and worse every time.
I’m starting to get a little to tired, a little too emotional, and a little too stressed and I think it’s affecting our nursing. It’s also really hard to try and mother your baby when you constantly have someone over your shoulder, doing things for you that you want to be doing, and constantly telling you what to do.
Everything about our feeding routine goes against my gut. I hate waking her out of a dead sleep to eat when I know that she’s going to wake up in the next 15 minutes, just because the schedule says so. I hate making her wait to nurse when she’s awake and rooting, because the schedule says so. I hate to cut off her feeding after “X” amount of time the rare times she goes long, even though she’s fine and her stats aren’t showing she’s over working it – because the schedule says so. And most of all I hate that I can’t hold my baby as long or as often as I’d like because nurses have certain opinions on how to do things and apparently mom’s intuition and need to bond is always trumped.

Doctor Hoffman is going to be coming in to check her and all her stats out in the morning – and I really was hoping we’d wow him with a good day today so we could start talking about provisions for going home. But, I’m thinking we won’t be having that conversation until Wednesday at the earliest. I think I just might loose my emotions in front of everyone if he starts talking about staying there for another couple weeks. It’s really hard to listen to everyones conflicting opinions on how your baby is doing and when they think she’ll go home. Some of them say that they think she’ll do well and be home by Wednesday this week, some say Wednesday next week because she just needs to turn 35 weeks and she’ll wake up, and some have even said that they think it will be after a couple weeks because she’s not going to perk up until 36/37 weeks  – and I just can’t take all the ups and downs of everyone’s opinion. That’s why it’s so important to me to see her pediatrician in the morning. I gave up feeding her over night tonight in exchange to go for the early morning feeds in order to talk to him. I am praying, praying, praying that I hear some good news.

We still have no idea how many vacation days Karl has and how his employers feel about the time that he’s taken off. I’m hoping he’ll get in touch with them tomorrow and they’ll also give us some good news – or at the least not bad news! When he has to go back to work things are going to get seriously hard. The only plan we can come up with is for me to watch the kids while he’s at work (which will be tricky in itself because I’m not suppose to life anything heavier than the baby or over do it for at least this first week) and for me to leave for the hospital when he gets home. I’d nurse her 3rd shift from her 1am feeding to her 6am feeding and then come home in time for Karl to get the kids off to school. I would then try and get a few hours of sleep while they’re in preschool and Karl is home, and then do it all over again the next day. It’s going to certainly put me in a position of over-exerting myself, having to do at least some lifting, and getting little or no sleep potentially for days in a row. And then on top of that I’m suppose to pump and keep up with all the other things that goes with family like cooking, cleaning, school stuff, etc.
I’m really honestly not sure how we’re going to do it.

So that’s why I’m praying for something so big – something amazing – a truly God miracle. We really need Jobee to take a turn and for God to pull her out of this enough for her to come home. At least that way I have some chance of getting sleep and not passing out from exhaustion physically and mentally.  I know God loves me, and I know God cares for me and only wants the best for me. But, I also know he loves and wants the best for Jobee too. So, I just don’t know what to pray for,what to ask for, what to believe in – other than Him blessing her and giving her the ability to do what she needs to do to be healthy and come home. If you could pray with me, that would be appreciated.

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3 Responses to “Going home…”

  1. Grammma January 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    You and Jobee Lynn are in my prayers every night.I love that you remembered my nick name for you and you use it for Jobee.What a blessing you are. Thanks
    Loce ya gramm

  2. Stephanie January 18, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    Ashley- my husband works with Karl and Tim in anthem at mars and I just remembered Tim telling Matt (my hub) you guys were having baby#4 soon…somehow I came across your pic on facebook and found your blog and found out that you actually already had the baby. Can I just say that your story, family and faith is a huge inspiration and blessing. you are a beautiful mother and I aspire to be more like you some day. I just had my first baby in october…and this new world of mommy-hood has been an adventure. i have been reading a few of your posts and praying even now for you and Jobee with health and sleep! Thanks for sharing your story…

    • ashleymade January 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

      Stephanie! I am lousy with keeping up with comments, so I apologize it’s been so long. But, I did want to reply to say thank you so much for your encouragement! It means a lot in times of trial. Congratulations on your baby as well! We had heard the good news through Tim and Cyndi, and were very excited for you. What a blessed baby to have such wonderful parents! I checked out your blog – and what a beautiful blog! I have a friend who has a gluten intolerance, and I’m going to share it with her – I think she’ll love it!

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